


Internet celebrity chokes to death on a boba pearl

by Kaaski



Category: Hot Guy P.I. (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Funny, I've tagged sexual assault, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Knives, Light Angst, M/M, Schmidt knows math, Sleepy Nando, Tea, but it's Schmidt remembering a bad experience with a fan that affects him still, excessive boba tea drinking, knife dog makes a small cute appearance at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25353898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaaski/pseuds/Kaaski
Summary: Schmidt is having trouble focusing on brainstorming ideas for Hot Guy P.I.'s new logo because of a certain Youtuber-looking guy with a pension for attracting knives, and his unsweetened Chamango boba tea is not helping him through this process.OrSchmidt thinks about Nando while drinking tea and how their relationship might relate to his asexual nature.
Relationships: Schmidt & Nando Sy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	Internet celebrity chokes to death on a boba pearl

**Author's Note:**

> Original story and characters belong to Karina over at Drawfee on YouTube or @dilfosaur on Twitter. I love these characters so much! I saw that Schmidt was ace somewhere, but then couldn't find the post. So he might not actually be ace in canon, oops. Anyway, his asexual experiences are based entirely on my own so I apologize if my representation doesn't match up to other aces out there. I wanted to explore his asexuality and what he finds attractive about Nando and what he wants out of a platonic relationship with him. I hope you enjoy!

Talking to Nando was easy and investigating with him was fun Schmidt decided.

When Schmidt thought about their first meeting, it was easier than it should have been, maybe, to get the Youtuber-look-alike to go along with a person he just met. 

"You shouldn’t follow every hot guy you meet, Nando!" Schmidt scolded the man aloud even though he wasn't in the room.

Considering the lilac-colored haired man had, within a span of two days, gotten both stabbed with a knife and held hostage at knifepoint...WITH A KNIFE, it was probably a good idea to have a little talk with him about stranger danger. He had a kid after all.

Schmidt was having trouble figuring out why being with Nando was so much easier than his other internet celeb friends and why he didn’t want to ask any of them to work with him at Hot Guy P.I. Feelings weren’t like a quadratic equation with a formula he could follow and solve for f(x) by using simple algebra. He slurped his sugarfree Chamango boba tea as he considered his partner and procrastinated on thinking about the new logo design.

Maybe it's because Nando is protective and brave. How else would he manage to rush toward a knife-wielding dog or suplex a robber? Is it because he’s a dad? 

"I wonder how good his dad reflexes are?" Schmidt imagined him lifting a car off of his kid, or was it only mothers that could do that?

Being a dad also explains why the guy’s so braindead when it comes to social media. He probably still uses Facebook. Schmidt shivered and had to fight not to vomit up his Boba. This was expensive! Darn you, Nando! You better not use Facebook. Do you even have an Instagram??

When they returned from answering the officer's questions at Jenny's apartment, Schmidt had rolled his eyes at Nando for suggesting they use the first thing that popped up when he googled “free logo creator”. They were hot and legit professionals, and they needed a hot and legit logo! For Schmidt’s own branding, he preferred the no-logo, let-my-selfies-speak-for-themselves way to market himself. But they would need a little more than that if they wanted to move away from hot errand boys to hot private investigators. 

His mind lingers on that last word for a moment and he attempted to draw an alligator with a hat on it and wrote “Investi-Gator?” next to it. He groaned. Alligators were not professional! He had to stop himself from rubbing his face in frustration. Schmidt did not want to break-out even though Jenny had hooked him up with a case of her sponsor’s 5-step skincare routine for men after they stopped that robber. 

He chewed on some Boba pearls as he stood up from the desk covered in various scribbles and taglines. Each one was an idea that he would be sending to the graphic designer he had found through Jenny. She had worked with them before on her personal, member-exclusive face wash brand. He snapped a photo and sent it to them with, “Are alligators professional?” Deciding it was professional to let professionals do their job and make the to alligator or not to alligator decisions for him. 

Schmidt decided to check on the post he had made before he got started on the brainstorm. He was wearing Nando’s stolen-- borrowed glasses and a yellow #2 pencil held to his mouth in thought for that nostalgic teachery look. 

“Working hard today on my side-hustle. #artishard #hotguypi #whydidwehavetobuythesepencilsforschoolwhenwewerekids #wheredidthispencilevencomefrom?”

Now, Schmidt worked hard to keep his following free of too much toxicity, but there was only so much you could do. There was always one or five or ten trolls that had to ruin his whole day. Like this comment: “i’d like to work something hard on you bb boy. When we meet irl you know the first place we goin is the bedroom~” Gag.

“Eggplant emoji? Really? Ugh.” He said around the straw in his mouth. He scoffed at the comment, but it still left his stomach feeling like someone dropped a hot rock in his stomach. He slurped up more Chamango to try and distract from the feeling by imagining the mango, tea, and spice concoction cooling him off from the inside out. It helped a little. 

For Schmidt, being asexual was a lot like scrolling through his feed. He knew he liked something when he saw it, and he knew when he didn’t like something. If it's not there in front of him, he'd likely not give it much thought. The comment from before? No. Reported. Blocked. Done. This comment? “New glasses? Yes king!!” with a million heart emojis? Yes. The same thing applied to his irl life. Cuddles? Yes. Love them. Wandering touches in sensitive places? No. If he could block people in real life that overstepped his boundaries, he would. Those situations made him feel like reading that comment did like a burning acid was eating away at some indescribable thing inside him and left behind this gross feeling.

A lot of times with being famous, or more specifically being famous for your looks, people just assume that you want that sort of attention. You put your pictures out there or you take care of how you look or you dress impressively. It all means you want people to sexualize you, right? Like that excuses the creepy behavior. It was uncomfortable to deal with those sorts of online comments, and it was exponentially more so when he met those sorts of people in person. To clarify, if he didn’t know you, you shouldn’t be touching him at all! Even if he does like cuddles! 

He had a fan once who approached him from behind, slapped his ass, and hugged him close to take a photo. He was so stunned that he operated on autopilot, posing for the selfie and not saying anything to her when she walked away. Remembering it still made his face flush and shame prickle at him. He aggressively slurped up the rest of his boba, choking for a second on a stray pearl. 

He breathed deeply and composed himself before slamming his head on the desk among his doodles once it was apparent he wouldn't die from anger-slurping his tea.

“Internet celebrity chokes to death on a boba pearl...I bet that post would get a lot of engagement…” Schmidt sighed. He should have said something to her. What kind of man was he? Afraid of knives and sex and certain touches… What if Nando was there? The thought was worrying, but also interesting to consider. Would he be disgusted at Schmidt for not standing up for himself, or would he have called the woman out? His face heated up a bit at the thought remembering the man’s selflessness.

Nando didn’t make any sort of assumptions about his sexuality or lack thereof. Not when they first met, not when he found out that he was a model, and he continues to be respectable. Maybe that’s why he likes being around him. The man is a decent human being, and that's unfortunately rare.

That doesn’t quite explain the weightless feeling Schmidt gets around him though. It’s not a lightheaded feeling, more like a no pressure feeling. He doesn’t have to be someone else. Doesn’t have to be touched or to touch which is a whole other cup of boba. They can just have easy conversation and fun investigations and be two hot guys saving the world one case at a time.

Nando stumbled into their office from the other room where he had been napping with Schmidt's jacket, “Schmidt! I have a case! My glasses--” He bumped into a box Schmidt had yet to unpack and tumbled to the floor, “...stolen…” he managed to say with his face planted onto the floor still very much appearing half-asleep.

Schmidt smiled as their former enemy/knife dog Watson padded over with a soft click of his nails and licked Nando’s face. More adventures of Schmidt and Nando? Sounds fun to him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also sorry for formatting and horrible tagging. I've posted this on mobile at 2 in the morning :') forgive me. Also I wanted to clarify that I do not think aces are afraid of sex. Schmidt just thinks that way cuz he was ashamed of what happened with that lady even though it was completely inappropriate. In my own experience I'm not scared of sex, I just dont wanna do it *shrugs*.


End file.
